Hello, my name is Andrea, and I love to blog.
The things is, lately that’s been REALLY hard. You see, I’m emotionally in a really weird place right now. A difficult place. I’m in counseling, and I’m dealing with many difficult things. There are times I find myself exhausted, knowing I should write something here but barely able to get dinner on the table and veg out for the evening. It’s not always physical exhaustion, but emotional. I’m having a hard time, and that’s okay.
I’m spending most of my spare time right now consuming media as opposed to creating it, and that’s okay too. Sometimes we all need a reset.
The Emptiest of Cups
Last night I realized how empty my cup actually is right now. I have spent the last few weeks feeling ill on and off. Nothing serious: a headache and mild stomachache, then later allergies. Yesterday I had allergies so bad the post nasal drip caused indigestion and a sore throat. I also was suffering from a pretty bad bout of bursitis in my right shoulder that made many mundane tasks quite painful. (Seriously, try taking off a bra when you can’t put your arm behind your back without wincing.)
When I got home from work I put on my pajamas and made myself a (too big) bowl of maple brown sugar Cream of Wheat. It felt so good and warm on my throat and I turned on some Jim Gaffigan stand up on Netflix and I settled in to try to nap. What I should have done was turn off my phone and nap. I needed that time of restoration. But I didn’t. When a friend you haven’t spoken to much in a long time wants to chat, you gladly chat!
But later when a good friend was upset I found I simply was incapable of helping. Why?
My cup was empty. It was so empty it was dry and dusty at the bottom.
How did I get so empty?
I haven’t been making enough time for myself. To refill my cup. How can we help fill others’ cups if ours is empty? Do you remember what they tell you when you get the safety talk on an airplane? In case of oxygen depressurization put on YOUR OWN oxygen mask before helping others. Why is that so hard for me to remember?
I’m making it a point in the future to be better about not letting my cup get so darned empty!
Things I Plan to Do to Refill My Cup
Unplug sometimes. I don’t ever intend to shut off Facebook. But it’s okay sometimes to turn off chat in order to restore focus. I’m doing that today, in fact. It’s odd sometimes, without the constant exchange of day to day information, but I don’t *need* to be constantly communicating with someone just for the sake of not being alone. And sometimes that distraction makes it difficult to be as creative as I’d like.
Enjoy the silence. The TV is on so often in my apartment that sometimes I forget what silence is like. When I cook I often listen to podcasts to entertain me (and drown out the noises of my downstairs neighbors) but early in the morning, sipping my coffee, silence is so wonderful and restorative.
Take a relaxing shower. I’m often guilty of treating showers as something that’s only good for getting clean, but warm water cascading gently down the neck and back can have a truly meditative quality at times. And the best part of a relaxing shower is slowly drying off in the warm air without having to get dressed right away. I need more of that in my life, stat!
Sit in nature. I spend a lot of time outside walking or running, but I never make time to just SIT in nature and enjoy its many pleasures. I need to listen to the birds, hear the rustling of the leaves in the trees, watch the squirrels frolic bouncily through the woods, and photograph the flowers and beauty I see every day in mere passing.
How do you refill your cup? Let me know in the comments!
We had new neighbors move in downstairs on Friday. They had all the windows open and the front door open on a very windy evening, and the wind kept slamming the door shut violently, which shook the entire building. After the 5th or 6th SLAM I went downstairs and opened my door. I politely asked the man (and with some trepidation, as we have another neighbor who drinks too much and slams doors while screaming loudly occasionally) what was going on with the slamming? He introduced himself to me and said he was moving in and seemed confused as to why I seemed to care. I watched the wind try to close the door again and made a comment about how it was the wind making the door slam (as an older man used a towel to prop it open) and went back upstairs, but now whenever I see him he looks at me like I’m a giant asshole. So now there’s tension with the new neighbor because I didn’t want my entire apartment to shake while I was trying to relax after work.
When I arrived home today I received two letters in the mail. One, my doctor’s office announcing my doctor’s retirement. I’ve had the same, incredible, amazing doctor longer than I’ve been married. It’s safe to say that I love him like an uncle. And now I have to try to find a doctor that I trust as much as I trust him.
I’m tired, people. I try so hard to be considerate of others, so it’s extra hard when people seem ignorant of my feelings. All I want is a place to live where I feel safe and I can relax. It feels like so much to ask these days – to have peace and feel respected.
After I’d lost the weight I faced another big change. I wanted to start this blog but I was terrified no one would like it. That I’d sit here writing week after week to an “empty room”. While I don’t get as many comments as I wished I would get, I know you’re reading. I heard from someone who reads that HER friend was talking to her about my blog. I’ve never even met this person but she reads my blog! ❤ That was the coolest thing!
A Measured Life 